Sunday, July 31, 2011

Leaving Home Ain't Easy

So, I called Gunnar for two reasons. One, because talking to Gunnar has become standard operating procedure when the world is pissing me off and I feel like I'm about to take someone's head off. Well, figuratively. Two, I figured I should tell him first about the deal with Dionysus. Okay, three reasons. Three being just cuz I've missed him being around. He’s been off in Mexico tracking Jack down, so I was both a little surprised and a lot glad when he actually picked up the phone.
“Qu-”
“So I just finished talking to Dionysus.” Yeah Laurel, dive right in. I rock at prologues.
“Why?”
"Because I would rather us have traveling money if we need to get around the globe if Ixion, Kane and Pan all pop up simultaneously and he was nice at the wedding and it was all I can think of and I'm booking a flight to Germany because apparently Nikola Tesla is a bad guy." This is still actually how a lot of our conversations go. I just start rambling without much in the way of details, exposition or logical topic progression. Like, when I'm talking to him, there's a total disconnect between my brain and my tongue.
“Wh- gr- okay. Okay. I will accept all of those except the comment about Tesla. Take it back. …but seriously, how does talking to Dionysus help this?” Oh. Yeah, I guess I could start starting conversations at their logical beginnings. Or Gunnar can just become psychic and it won't matter where I start the conversation. Both are equally likely.
“He is going to give the villagers food and I was talking to him about the Nazi werewolves and mentioned the machine that trapped shut the villagers in and he says they’ve been looking for Tesla and Nate told me about that letter, also we’re gonna meet a blonde guy over there and you can’t kill him right away even though I know you’re probably going to want to, and my uncle doesn’t even want anything in return for growing them food except the machine.” And a temple. Dionysus wants a temple built, but I forgot about that part while I was balancing the phone and my clothes and looking for my toothbrush.
“Okay, well that sounds like a good deal at least. I’m halfway to Jack’s,” Gunnar offered without me even asking. I was about to. Maybe he already is just a little psychic. Sometimes it’s like he knows just what I’m thinking. Right now I was thinking I would much rather be in Mexico with him instead of going crazy up here by myself in Berkeley. I mean, I can still count the number of days I’ve spent apart from him since I met him back in January at the Wynn and we spent a whole day playing poker. Well, I had spent a whole day losing poker. I have absolutely no poker face with that man. There was the day I spent fighting the plague, those couple of jobs he took with Jack, and those few insane days before the wedding where I was pretty much under house arrest. It’s just gotten to be weird now when he’s not around.
“Um. Dear? …Calm down. You’re gunna be fine. Give me a call when you get to Deutschland.” I’m not sure why he told me to calm down, I didn’t feel un-calm. Ok, I was probably kinda high-strung. And by kinda high-strung I mean I felt like if someone blinked at me wrong today, they might not have an eyelid anymore.
“Wait, why am I going to want to kill him?!”
Oh. I guess I kinda glossed over that too. Gunnar doesn’t miss a whole lot, though. “Uh… He may or may not be, and by may not be I mean he definitely is, a scion of Loki.” I guess I shouldn’t have expected he would definitely want to kill the blonde guy. That wasn't entirely fair, especially since Nevermore says I'm the one with the temper.
There was a long enough pause that I almost thought maybe he’d just hung up. “I haven’t killed Sly yet.”
“That’s a really good point,” I grinned a little. Yeah, I picked up on that ‘yet’ there. “Um, lemme know if you want me to get you a ticket over there, I’m not sure how capable we’re going to be of doing this thing with fewer numbers… But um, there are more scions of Loki kinda in Wolfsheim too.” There I misspoke. They were Loki’s grandkids, not his kids. I’m hoping to just not have to deal with them at all and my error won't be relevant in the least, though.
“…wha?... You know what, I’ll just let you tell me about that later. First I wanted to ask something I didn’t think about before. If Jack says no at first, how far am I allowed to go to make him say yes?” There was about the span of a heartbeat. “Also, no, that was not supposed to sound ominous.”
I laughed pretty hard at that. “Well, I’m not there to hold you back,” I said kiddingly. “But I guess if he says no, repeatedly,” meaning after repeated exposure to Gunnaresque persuasion, “we can figure something else out.” I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, I didn't have a backup plan yet.
“Alright, I’ll just tell him that only sissies and mama’s boys can’t take care of a couple of kids for a decade and a half.”
I told him that worked for me, and we hung up and I went back to packing. Finally, I’d gotten all my shit together and was like three steps from the door when I heard the fluttering of wings and conspicuous lack of anything even remotely resembling the sound of a godsdamned doorbell.
Two of the Furies had shown up in my living room. Furies are the bitches who’ve been after me since I shot Marie. Seriously, Google that shit. They’re mean.
The two who'd shown up, Alecto and Megara had been successfully called off by Erzulie. So I guess she kept that part of the bargain.
Kinda. That was a little reassuring.
Megara offered to take the memories of those dreams away. I told her to leave them and I think that confused her, which was strangely satisfying. Alecto took the scar thing off my forehead, which was going to make international travel and generally charming the pants off of people easier by approximately a metric fuck tonne. But the last little fury, Tisiphone, did not show. Apparently one does not simply “call off” the Furies. One doesn’t really hire them either, one calls upon them and points them in the direction of someone who’s vaguely guilty of something resembling a crime without any real regard for motivation or justification and then the Furies give chase until their victim is either insane or dead.
Or dead from insanity. I hear suicide is a common response to being chased by these bitches.
If I weren’t married, pregnant, in the middle of the titan war and generally just occupied with better shit to do, I’d be tempted to tell them to do their worst. Okay, I’m still tempted just to get it the fuck over with. I’ve been crazy.
I got better.
More or less.

Anyway, after that I decided to giving that whole leaving the house thing another try amd was locking the door with my bags over my shoulder and turned around and found the Egyptian goddess Bastet and a blonde woman named Kassandra, who I guess is ultimately a bribe for me so that I'll help Bastet, standing on my front porch. I didn't have time to argue, or investigate or do anything besides say, "Well come on, I've got a plane to get to."
I eventually made it out of the house and onto a plane to Germany. At the airport I took a moment to step away from Kassandra and I called Gunnar. Again.
He picked up while I was in the middle of a very long string of profanities. At first I didn’t realize he’d answered and I just kept swearing and pacing until he spoke.
“Uh, hi dear. What’s going on?”
Oh. “One of the Furies is still after me,” I blurted out. Still not any good at that whole ‘easing into a conversation’ thing. Gunnar doesn’t seem to mind, though.
“…What?
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath, hoping it would end up being the calming sort but it wasn’t really. “One took the thing off my forehead and one offered to take away the memories of those dreams and I told her to leave them, but the third one I guess is not going to back down and Erzulie can't call her off and apparently Tisiphone is the 'mean one.'” I’m a little ticked about that, for the record. Gods should fucking know better than to pick up a weapon they can’t control. Also, I realize that was really shitty as an explanation and I just kinda skipped around on the details but Gunnar still hasn't complained about the task of following along when his crazy wife just starts spouting off.
“Right. What's the cure for Fury problems? Do bullets work?”
I. Love. My husband. I won’t deny it put a smile on my face when he asked that. “I'll be willing to find out, when the time comes. I bet they bleed just fine. Uh, so yeah…” While I had him on the phone, I decided to just keep the good news coming. “Oh, and all of Olympus knows I'm pregnant.” I winced a little as I said it. It's not that I'm not happy about it, it's not that I really want to keep it a secret, I just think they'll be safer and I want to keep being able to do my job.
I heard Gunnar let out a sigh. “Was it the bird? I swear I’m going to wring his neck.”
“Mm-mm, it was my dad.” I sighed too. “I guess when he said, ‘I’ll keep it quiet for now’ he meant ‘I'll keep it quiet until I can tell Zeus and then he'll issue a proclamation and call for a celebratory feast and tell everyone in the overworld.’ But, I'd be really fucking surprised if Never hasn't told anyone at all.”
“Well... I guess I can put off wringing his neck then if your dad let it slip. So anyways, I understand the 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger' mentality, but why'd you have her leave the dreams?”
“Not so much the 'what doesn't kill me' mentality,” I tried to explain it, “But the, 'I'm not running from what I did' mentality. I killed a woman, and in all likelihood I will do something like that again to protect the people I love. I want to be able to say I know what kind of pain I'm going to be inflicting, and that the next person on the wrong end of my weapon deserves it.” All true. I know now what it feels like to die, and if I’m going to be putting other creatures through that I want to remember what it feels like. I’m hoping that will help me make better calls when it comes to deciding who deserves a divine bullet in the forehead. Or an axe to the face, now that I've got one of those.
Gunnar said he couldn’t argue with that, then asked about the blonde guy who’d joined up with the others in Wolfsheim. “You met this Loki-kid yet? I wanna hear what I can on him before I get there.”
“Well, I talked with Nate, at length, about all the shit that went down in Wolfsheim and he was apparently a lot of help in getting people outta there safely.” He may not be a total dick. That would be nice. “Still sounds like a slippery little fucker, but what kid of Loki's wouldn't be?”
“Mph. Mkay. Look, I'm comin up on Jack's. I'll call you after I talk to him.”
“K, um... Tell him I said hi? On second thought... yeah, just lemme know how it goes.” Jack never seemed to have the greatest impression of me because of the whole Marie thing, so maybe it was better that Gunnar had gone alone.
“Will do. Love and stuff.”
Gunnar hung up promptly, before I could respond but I still found myself grinning to the air, “And stuff,” as I put my phone back in my pocket. I still had a while before the plane was going to take off.
I was pacing around for a long while, hoping to hear from Gunnar sooner rather than later, when my phone rang again.
It was his turn to interrupt me. “Hah! He's a softie."
I broke into a huge smile of relief. “Yeah? So how'd it go?"
“He thought I was coming by to ask him to kill something," Gunnar explained. “When I told him why I was really there he kind of gave me this look like he didn't have the heart to turn me down and muttered some nonsense about a wedding present then started going on about how they were going to have to work the ranch and there'd be no pampering here, blah blah blah. Long story short he agreed to do it. Also, did you know that he has a fucking griffon?! I saw it on my way out. Okay, I saw it on my way in too, but I figured asking him about it would probably just make him paranoid."
I giggled a little about the griffin, getting a mental picture of a Christmas card with Jack in a Santa hat next to a creature of legend which was being harassed by mine and Gunnar's sons. It will probably never happen in real life, but it happened in my head and you know what? That's good enough for me. "Awwww, that is the cutest mental picture ever, our boys growing up with a griffon. Adorable." I sighed, wistful and relieved. "As for the hard work, good. They need to get used to that early." I'm completely expecting my sons to grow up to be badasses. Being a badass requires work. "That's a huge relief though, I've been worrying outta my mind wondering who else would be qualified to guard these kids." I still haven't come up with anyone else who isn't already busy. "So... should I hook you up with a plane ticket over here?" I was really hoping the answer was yes. "I'll be honest, I really think we could use your eyes for this sorta thing." In case we had to get sneaky about getting this machine out, I figured it would be great to have him around for recon. Also, just because. "I mean, I'm not sure why they didn't think something that said it stored souls wasn't worth bringing back, but I'm wondering what else they missed." And I told him what I'd been thinking for the past few days, mumbling quietly that I missed him.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," he answered. "I'll try this learning-German-on-a-plane thing and see how it works out." And he muttered he missed me too, and was gonna go figure out which airport I should get him a flight out of.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Matters of Blood and Connection

"For us it's a matter of charging the gates
For you it's a matter of blood and connections
So where will you be when you tire of the fun
The escape, the charade, and your time in the sun
I know everyone does their own reinvention
But yours has a taste that's hard to swallow

And what will you tell of your tenure with us?
Will you build yourself up, like the size of your hunt?
If they're anything like what you've been telling us,
Those stories will make true believers
Of the chumps and the fools.

So why do you speak with that accent now?
Everyone knows you're not from the streets."
Dashboard Confessional, Matters of Blood and Connection

After I got off the phone with Nate I decided to pray to my uncle Dionysus. How does one do that? With alcohol, of course. So I found some booze - much less difficult since Gunnar came into my life - and poured one out, calling on my uncle.
He didn't knock either, just showed up in my house like everyone else does, but I just wasn't in the mood to be mad at him. It would've been hard anyway, since he was family and he'd been at my wedding.
"What," he started indignantly as he just showed up behind me, "is that perfectly good vintage doing on the floor?"
"Uh..." I turned, slowly, stalling. Well, crap.
"Oh, congrats, by the way!"
Well, fuck. I guess that saved me the trouble of stumbling over an explanation, at least.
"Thanks," I responded instinctively, "I-... Wait, what? You know??"
"Sweetheart," he cooed in that thick Jersey accent. "All of Olympus knows."
"What??!!"
"Well, yeah, your dad told Zeus and he issued a proclamation and called for a feast and -"
"DAD!!" I yelled at the ceiling. I hope he heard me. No, I didn't wanna talk, I just wanted to yell. I just wanted him to know I was mad.
Dionysus then tried to explain on my dad's behalf that they had to tell Zeus because Hera's apparently got all of Olympus pussy whipped.
Great. Whatever. Being mad wasn't actually going to accomplish anything here, so I just dropped it.
I filled him in on our refugee situation, and how we needed help feeding two hundred people. I could do it with money, I explained, but I'd rather not. I want to help humanity, but I think we're going to be a better help if we can move around on a whim and for right now I need money to do that. He asked why I didn't just put them on welfare. If we're uprooting people, we owe them better. Yeah, the Band got them away from Nazi werewolves and a goblin war, as I understand. But we can't just tell people, "Exodus!" and send them off into the desert. We don't have the power to back that sort of command up, we have no right yet to just expect that sort of faith. We haven't earned it.
So he asked me how long I wanted to feed them, and I asked how much he could do. His response was that he could set them up for life, or he could give them just a single plant. I was hoping for a happy medium. It took me a while to get the words out right, but I eventually got it across that I'm not going to be the type of person, the type of god, who just gives handouts. My people (and it sounds so weird to think about the fact that I will have people) will have to work for it, but if they do work for it, I will see that they are taken care of.
That's how we came up with the idea for the commune. Well, that and the fact that Dionysus figured that one central commune would be better, and easier on his part as far as his own resources and potential fatebinding, than several different farms. Also, somewhere in that conversation he said, "Bingo, bango, bongo." Little creepy.
Then I was giving him my secondhand account of how we even became responsible for the refugees, and I said something about a machine that cut the village off from the outside world. Something about that knocked the Situation right out of his Situation-ness. When he spoke next the accent was all gone. I can't remember exactly how he said it but he said he wanted the machine. The machine sounded like something Nikola Tesla might build.
"Well Tesla probably did build it," I said and I described that letter Nate had told me about. It was addressed to some guy named Albert (probably Einstein) and was signed "Nikola." I mean, I didn't even need Gunnar's amazing detective skills to figure that one out.
Then the deal changed. See, at first Dionysus said we as a Band would have to help him out with any potential complications arising from his support of these people. He also wanted the people to build him a temple or a shrine. He wanted the worshippers for this. There was something else he'd wanted, I can't remember what now. Once I told him about the machine, that was all he wanted. Well, that and the shrine. He still wants the worshippers. Maybe I could toss our names in there too, it'd be nice to get a little bit of recognition for all the work we've been doing.
Anyway, he also explained that Zeus had really high hopes for Nikola. And then it kinda clicked that Tesla must have been one of Zeus' kids. I mean, I've seen those hokey PBS shows that called Tesla "The Master of Lightning." I guess Zeus expected that Tesla would even outshine Hephaestus, before something changed. Now they're looking for Tesla.
So all I have to do is go to Wolfsheim, get the machine without pissing off or killing the Ragnarok wolves (especially since I'm about to go talk to their aunt) , pray to Dionysus and then the villagers are set. Piece of cake, I guess.
Um, Dionysus did tell me that someone actually had to drink the alcohol, next time. So I guess I should call Gunnar and see how Mexico is going.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

With a Little Help from My Friends

Gunnar’s gone to go find Jack.

We talked about it and… okay, that’s not entirely right. I talked and Gunnar listened while I rambled and bitched and moaned about how I'd feel like a hypocrite for adopting a kid then giving my own kids up for adoption and how I was worried about how they would need to be protected and how putting them in foster care even if it wasn't abusive might just be putting a target on whoever adopted them and that's just the stuff I did talk about, I didn't even get around to talking about how I wanted to make sure they didn't get separated because if our sons couldn't grow up with their parents they should at least get to have each other. I mean, it works for the Winchesters.
But he seemed to agree with me. About Jack being strangely appropriate as far as guardian choices were concerned, not about the Winchester thing. I mean, I know Jack said he wasn't a friend. I kinda consider him one anyway and I really don't know who else to ask for help.
And I know he said he was done with the war, and that's part of the reason I think he's an awesome choice. It's not like he'll be looking for trouble. It will probably be looking for him, because that's what trouble does to scions, but I also think he'd be an awesome choice because he can handle trouble. And the Vance kids... Alex spoke really highly of "Uncle Jack." We figure if Jack could handle Hercules' twins, Jack can handle ours.

Anyway. After I'd spent some time talking about it, Gunnar just said, "Fine."
He made a phone call, packed some stuff, did the normal getting ready to go thing, and then after a couple of days he got quiet. Quieter.

It's hard to tell what's going on in his head sometimes. I wonder if it had to do with Guinnee and Sara. Like, he’s not a talkative guy and he drinks a lot - I would worry about his liver if he were mortal - but he started talking less and drinking more while he was getting ready to go find Jack. There were a couple of times when I kinda started talking to him to see what was up, except he seemed just fine when I was talking to him. He was focused and responsive and more or less normal. So instead I snuck up on him. Like a ninja.

Okay, no I didn’t. I don’t think it’s possible to sneak up on that guy. Not for me, anyway.

But I did kinda catch him in the act of sitting on the couch and being lost in thought with a glass of whiskey and a really, really far away look on his face. So I made like I was just wandering around the living room, cuz I do that often enough, and then doubled back to settle myself abruptly in his lap. I took the whiskey from his hand, leaned away to put it on the coffee table then turned back to focus on those extraordinary eyes of his.

“What is on your mind, love?”

I got a little bit of a smile out of him. Maybe it was more a smirk. Either way, it’s a look I like on him. "I've been thinking about my job. Or jobs, I guess. About my mundane job versus my responsibilities as a Scion. I mean, one of the things I am doing as a Scion is to protect people right? And that's what I did before too... but it really seems like I entirely succeed in one case and almost entirely fail in the other. I mean, the only way I've really managed to protect anyone as a Scion has been to see danger coming and warn them.
...Okay, except with that roller-snake Canopus. Throwing him off that building with Jack was pretty legit. But pretty much all of the other big scary monsters and things we've encountered I've been pretty useless against. I suppose I've soaked up a few hits that might have hit other teammates, but I'm not exactly the sturdiest of us either, so I dunno that me doing that is really a help."

I gotta give it to him, the guy keeps me on my toes. I'm not sure what I was expecting to hear, but it definitely wasn't that he didn't feel useful. I think I blinked a little before I decided what to say. "So is there something else you'd rather try doing? I mean, I know you saved my ass in Guinnee. I couldn't see shit, and if you hadn't been there that squid would have murdered me.” I figured maybe he just didn’t know just how much help he was on our undersea adventure, and if that was the case he needed to know. “That one hit I took knocked me silly,” I grimaced as I remembered all of those bruises. They didn't stop me but they fucking hurt, and I was just really godsdamned lucky I didn’t take a direct hit to the abdomen. “Not to mention I can't walk through walls,” I added. Neither Brigitte nor I would have been able to talk to Anaisa without him there. The whole trip, really, I don't think I could have done any of it without Gunnar's help.
“As for success and failure ... I learned a couple of things, both in the army and at the hospital. One, the army taught me, there is no such fucking thing as a resounding victory.” Mag Mell reinforced that lesson. Shit is always complicated. “Sometimes the best you get is being able to get back up and walk away after getting your feet knocked out from under you.” That’s assuming your feet are still attached, of course. I've seen it happen both ways.
“And the hospital taught me...” It finished the lesson my mom started. It taught me how to watch people die, and to fight it with all I've got, and when fighting wasn't enough, how to handle it with some measure of composure and grace. “No matter how good you are - and I know I am damn good at what I do - you can't help everyone. It was especially hard working with kids, learning that lesson." I'm not claiming I've mastered the lesson.

"You might do everything right. Right treatment, right medicine, right surgery.” I probably could have come up with a better, more Gunnar-centered metaphor but I went with what I knew. I knew hospitals and pain management and grief counseling and I’m sorry, we did everything we could… “And when you're done doing everything right you've still got this little corpse and devastated parents in front of you. Like Fate snapped that thread long ago and like a dumbass I'm just trying to tie the ends back together.” It was kind of a funny, if not a little sad, mental picture. It was accurate, though.
“But the name of the game isn't "I win, clearly and all the time," it's "fuck you, Fate, I tried anyway."” I meant the game of being a Scion, obviously. It’s a hard game to play, and it’s kinda heartbreaking if you go into it not knowing how much it’s going to hurt. I think that part is somewhere in the rules, that life just sorta gets to fuck you over (and doesn't even buy you dinner first). It’s the kind of game that can tear you apart if you’re not prepared for it. Sometimes it tears you apart anyway.

Maybe I should have said all the rest of that but I got that feeling I get like I’m just rambling at him and he has already gotten the point but he’s listening anyway … just because he likes to hear me talk? Ok, that theory’s a work in progress.

“You’re right,” he smirked a real smirk this time. “Thanks hun.”

And he seemed after that more or less like he was back to his same old loquacious self. I figure someday I'll figure out what that was about. I hope I really did help. By... I'm not really sure what I did there. Tell him to suck it up? Yep. I'm totally the supportive type.

Anyway, not long after that Nate called, asking for some help with the refugee situation in Wolfsheim. It seems they had evacuated two hundred people without having a plan, shelter, food or citizenship for anybody. I did some quick math and I could have taken a $250k hit to make sure the people all had food for a year. But...
I'm a terrible guardian of humankind. I decided to keep my money, get my house renovated and keep all of my traveling money, make them work for their food and made a deal with...
you're expecting me to say the devil, aren't you?
Nah, if I see Pan again I'm gonna do my damnedest to kick his pointy little ass.
I called on Dionysus, actually. It's nice to have friends in high places. Aside from being The Situation, he's really a nice guy.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Momma Sed

"Wake up, son of mine
Momma got somethin' to tell you:
Changes come.
Life will have its way with your pride, son
Take it like a man.

Hang on, son of mine
A storm is blowing up your horizon
Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Listen up, son of mine
Momma got somethin' to tell you
All about growin' pains.
Life will pound away where the light don't shine, son
Take it like a man.

Suck it up, son of mine
Thunder blowing up your horizon.
Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain,
This too shall pass.
Like a kidney stone,
This too shall pass.
It's just a broken heart, son,
This pain will pass away."
Puscifer, Momma Sed


Yeah, that pretty much says it. If I could predict that I'd be around when it mattered, that'd be the advice I give my sons. Suck it up, boys. Mom loves you, and that's not gonna change the fact that sometimes life sucks.
But I won't likely be around so I'm writing it down because it's gotta go somewhere.
I won't be able to protect my sons from all the evils of the world. I won't be there to use that line from Batman about falling and getting back up when something upsets their little apple carts. Instead, the best idea that we've had so far is to put the boys in foster care once they're born.

And it feels wrong.
I've made it my life's work to protect children, cure them of disease and pain and make them feel safe.
I filled my house with kids to give them shelter and stability. None of them except Susan were even my blood, and she is just my half sister, family I didn't know I had until a few months ago. I've taken in complete strangers to protect them. I adopted Gair to get him away from the system that was abusing him, and now I'm considering turning around and giving that same system my own kids to fuck over.
Well, that's not true.
I'm not considering it.
I'm considering a lot of other things, but not that. It makes me feel sick to think about it, and I don't really care what my dad says about making them strong. They don't need to get strong that way. Yeah my mom did fine without Dad around but at least I got to grow up with one of my parents around. It feels like handing them over to the state is like throwing them to the wolves. I mean, yeah, Remus and Romulus did okay being raised by wolves but Apollo and Artemis did even better being raised by their mom. I know I won't be able to be there for broken hearts and skinned knees, baseball games (they're totally going to play baseball and play like badasses), or to embarrass them when they bring a date home for the first time. I wish I could. But I can try to make sure they'll be safe and they'll be cared for. I just don't know by whom.
Aside from Gunnar's mom, we don't really know anyone who isn't occupied full time trying to save the world. I thought briefly about maybe asking Nate and Alli to be godparents or something, but they're gonna have a kid of their own and don't need two more. And I don't wanna pawn the kids off on Grandma who has heart problems.
Though, to be fair, I could probably fix those heart problems, if I thought she wanted me to and I thought she would let me. Besides even that I know there's gonna be shit coming after those kids. I know it, and Gunnar knows it, and anyone who's going to take care of them has to know it too. Gunnar's mom is tough, for sure, but I don't want to expect her to have to fight. I'm not sure she could so much as fight a fairy, truth be told.

Um...
I might regret this. This might be the worst idea I've ever had, but it sounds so perfect and reasonable and... I don't know who I'm kidding, it's fucking insane.
I think I might ask Gunnar to go find Jack.

He retired, right?

Friday, July 15, 2011

nazis are bad

so our girl somehow got herself knocked up by her viking and as such is finally determined to repay her debt to that voodoo queen she calls scary mary.
i get the sneaking suspicion she did not mean for me to know. about the getting knocked up i mean.
partly because she said to me, 'i was not going to tell you, nevermore.'

really though, she should know better than to expect privacy just because she closed a door. closed doors scream, 'open me, nevermore, for behind me is something you are not supposed to know.'
i had just such an encounter, of the closed kind, not three days before we vacated the house. after some trouble with me talons i got the door open - i've asked our girl repeatedly not to shut them, by the way. she knows doorknobs are difficult for me - and she was standing next to a machine, shirtless, goopy stuff on her belly. staring at a monitor. two little blobs on the screen. kinda looked like fish. if you listened close you could hear these little swishy noises like hummingbirds.
now, i am only a bird and as such lack a medical degree but i have seen an episode or two of 'house.' i know what an ultra-sound is and i know what they are generally used for.

i hopped over by her feet, peering up. guess i startled her. she jumped a little.
her eyes were wet.
'fuck, never. do you knock?' oi, she was already hostile. time to diffuse her with my avian charm.
'not on account of a lack of knuckles, love. plus that time i tried knocking with me beak, the door didn't fare so well. you uh... that mean what i think?' i inquired subtly.
'it means i'm screwed,' she sighed.
'well yeah, love, i do know where your screaming human baby creatures come from.'
she looked at me like she was gonna hit me. woman's got a temper even on the best of days.
'so uh... you told your viking, right?'
'yeah i told gunnar,' she emphasized his name. like i bloody don't know he's got one.

i think it's a stupid idea for the two to go at all, nevermind alone, but laurel's all determined that someone has to go save the two stooges over in germany. she didn't call them stooges. 'at's my line.
she talked nate into hopping the pond. i heard her use some line about how mary might break her and if nate bought that i wonder if she sold him a bridge to go with that finely crafted crockery, for laurel ain't a woman what's afraid of being broken, for the record. far as i know she ain't afraid of nothing. she's been beaten, burned and shot and can tell you just what it sounds like when a child's eyeball pops from the heat of a fire. she described it to me, once. put me off my appetite for a spot.
didn't break her, though. she told me once, laying in that burning house and listening to the sound of people cooking, she remembers wishing she would die. not that she thought she was going to, just that she knew it would have been easier than dealing with what came next. but our girl is hard, if not impossible to break. (don't tell her i said that, her ego is right gargantuan as it is, and hanging out with the viking is only making it worse.)

er... and i might have let it slip to nate about laurel's condition on the car ride out to wolfsheim. that conversation might have gone, if it did go, as such:
bird: oi, yer all commendable, nate. letting a pregnant woman go off to the underworld so you can save your chums.
(i was not being snarky, i was just surprised he was so dedicated to his mates that he'd let laurel go with just her viking. not that he's not enough, mind, and please don't tell him i said that. he pops his knuckles and i think the world shudders.)
n: wait, what? she's pregnant?!?
bird: bollocks. um, nevermore?

nate and i have worked out a system. i believe, after a couple of exchanges in this fashion that he understands that 'nevermore' is a very subtle and very complicated code for 'i-have-opened-my-fucking-beak-when-i-ought-not-to-have-and-my-life-is-now-forfeit-don't-tell-laurel.'

nate and i comprise the rescue squad, good cop and better cop.
i do believe we are all going to die here.
irish has a head start on us at that, like he already got started with the dying. nate and i caught up with him in some trees. lots of bloody trees in these parts.
bloody cos' irish was bleeding. surprise.
seriously, how many pints does this one have?
well i can tell you how many he's had, just by the smell of him.
but for fuck's sake, yer comrades are knocked out and yer all on yer lonesome and ye decide to do a solo recon flight mission over werewolf country?
well, s'what irish did. and s' not like he can say he didn't know they were armed. they run a munitions factory - as one might logically suspect, this factory is itself guarded by anti aircraft munitions. oi.

also, nate likes talking to rods, if you catch my meaning. i mean he's one'a them am-at-sue-commie an' he literally talked to a silver rod. you bloody perv.
we eventually joined up with um... i dunno how she spells her name. kee-ra. new irish. no, 'at's not right. crazy jr. she-bruiser. something will fit, eventually. we found her, and a new blonde guy who has since made himself scarce. smart for him, i don't really think i should let him and the viking alone in the same place for long on account of old family history. blondie talked about goblins when we met him. i think he might be a little off his tits, to be honest.
but then, we're the ones who wandered into a terra incognita and started trying to negotiate with werewolves. werewolves who were nazis.
nazi werewolves are just as awful as they sound, should you find yourself wondering.

seems from the research, and a conversation our intrepid deputy had with the mayor, they have some yearly festival that revolves around the abduction and consumption of small children. pity laurel weren't here to tear them up for such a thing. after some arguing an' subterfuge an' bickering an' ninnying they - irish, she-ra, deputy and blondie - came up with a plan.
couldn't tell you what the plan was. didn't really care, especially since nobody said 'an' here's the part where nevermore swoops in an' saves the day.' i quite lost interest after that realization.
an' i'm not really sure how the plan went so wrong, like nothing happened the way it should have. though maybe i could tell you where things went wrong if i'd been paying attention. i was too busy, on the advice of some goblins, bathing meself in pine cones.
but nobody bothered removing the civvies, for one thing. probably would have been helpful.
oh an' nate cut a guy's head off. certainly did not help to facilitate any diplomatic relations.

so now i am stuck here in doytchland with nate. i talked to him about going home, i worry about our girl. i mean, if it weren't for the viking i don't know how she would get along without me at all, really.
i also talked to him about making good on a promise to gift me with certain libations after our bout against caleb in new orleans. the one where laurel and viking almost got themselves killed. but after nate told me he was not in fact going to be giving me that bottle of jack, and he reminded me of the girl's temper (and i remembered that i'm going to have to tell her i told nate) i maybe could stand to stay and help out with these amish like folk. for a long while. maybe nate's lady wants a new pet bird, she seemed nice and stable and quite sane.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Now That It's Over

August 6th, 2011

I talked to Erzulie today and lived to tell the tale. It's not really over, of course. Not completely.
But at least the bit where
I'VE BEEN PURSUED BY THE MOTHERFUCKING FURIES
is done with.

Yeah.
The Furies.
Those vengeful bitches are the ones who've been on my ass since I shot Marie.
I feel like I should get a fucking t-shirt or something. "I endured the Furies and all I got was this goddamned "Murderer" brand."
I think things are going to be okay, I think, even if it's not all over yet.
Tentatively, I really think so.
I'm not sure. I also really think Erzulie might be a little bipolar.

When we got out of Guinnee, Gunnar and I were trying to figure out the "what now?" part, and I figured I should probably pray to her and let her know Guinnee was done with. Gunnar had the really, really (really, really, really, REALLY) smart idea that I should wait to do the praying until we were home. Gunnar, careful? It happens more often than you think. As soon as he said that I got all these flashes of worst-case-scenarios where she'd either start fucking with me in my dreams or pop up in the middle of the road and we'd crash and die.
It didn't happen like that, obviously.

We got home, I took a couple of showers trying to get all the salt off of me. You would think I'd had enough of being in the water. I'm actually thinking, once all of the other shit is done to the house, of having Dorthen put in a pool.
Um, that wasn't the point, though. We got settled back in, I told Gunnar I was finally gonna get in touch with Erzulie and I expected for some reason that she'd visit me in a dream or something. I don't know why. I keep hearing the guys talk about how they see their fathers and such in dreams, and even though I've never talked to a god in a dream I expected that to be how she'd contact me.
It wasn't.

I'd fallen asleep on the couch for I-don't-know-how-long when I woke to the sound of Gunnar shouting at Dorthen from the kitchen. Something about tea and home invasion. He's said stranger things. Then Dorthen goes heading to the kitchen, loading a fucking shotgun.
In any other house, that would have probably been really weird.
I got my ass up off the couch, ambled into the kitchen. I was mid-stretch and mid-yawn.
"What, Gunnar? Home inva-" And then I saw her. "Oh." I ran my fingers through my hair, waking myself up. "I'd say most people knock, but I'd be lying." Seriously, I can think of one fucking person who's bothered to ask us to let them in, and that was Horace back in fucking March.
She was dressed in a tight white dress and was helping herself to the shit in my kitchen, apparently under the impression that she was a welcome guest. Her manners are kinda lacking, as far as houseguests go. She commented on my hair and the scar on my forehead. Poor taste. Then she asked where Marie was. On the way back to Berkeley she kept trying to wander off, and after all that fucking work there was no way I was letting her wander off into the bay or some shit. So I'd put her in a salt circle near the back door. What? You kill a woman and retrieve her soul from the underworld then you can handle her ghost however you want. I put her in a salt circle near the back door.
I am so fucking proud of myself, I didn't swear at all when I was talking to Erzulie. I said very politely, "I will be really surprised if this is the conclusion of our business. But I'm optimistic."
She responded with a tired metaphor. She held out to me a cup of tea that was all cup and no tea. "Dear, if I were to offer you this tea would anything seem off? Aside from the fact that I am offering you your own tea?"
Of course I sighed, but I didn't swear. "I understand the analogy, something is missing. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. No one I’ve talked to yet has been able or willing to give me the kind of information I need." To be fair, I'd only talked to two people so far. "All I really had to go on when we went to Guinnee was the… request… you made in the beginning." She told me to go to Guinnee, negotiate with the Baron for the return of Marie. No more details than that. "And I did that, the best I could. If you want more… then just…”I drew a long breath, picking my words carefully and without expletives. “Please do me the courtesy of giving me the information I need to fulfill your request to your satisfaction.”
And Gunnar, gods bless this man, was there for me and he was quiet. Didn't really say a word until he was sure Scary Mary was gone. Also, I guess he'd given Dorthen the plans for working on the house, which I'd totally meant to do before we headed off to New Orleans but forgot about. My brain's been a little scattered.
Um, but yeah, Dorthen kinda waved around what looked like sketches and blueprints. Maybe sketchy blueprints. He excused himself and was really polite to Erzulie and gave Gunnar some weird look while Erzulie finished making herself some of my tea.
She did at least offer to make us some, except I can't drink tea anymore because of the caffeine. Gunnar opted for scotch. I would rather have had scotch, except I can't drink scotch anymore either because it's scotch. I got myself some water while Erzulie kept talking. Her accent was kinda thick, so sometimes it was hard to understand her. "It's obvious that you're trying, I can tell." She glanced at the ghost, making a face. "I will be the first to admit that Marie was mixed up in the wrong crowd. She told me once before we stopped talking that she loved this guy Kane. I think you know him?"
I'm not sure what Gunnar's reaction was but I was suddenly very interested and very pissed. I guess she picked up on it. "Kane's a real bastard." No fucking shit. Someone give this woman a fucking medal for scientific inquiry. "I know he just wanted to use Marie, but she wasn't going to listen to her Momma, even if I am one of the Loa. Been a thorn in everybody's side of late, that boy. Marie's headstrong, think she gets it from her father." I didn't ask who her father was. I didn't care. "Wasn't about to tell her who she can and can't love, it just don't work that way, I imagine you two know what I mean. So I figure I'm gonna let her learn herself, and when she does, I'll make sure she gets outta that okay. I didn't expect no outside forces to come into play." She looked at me pointedly. Um... Oops.
"Anyway, I figure she would come back with some intel on Kane that we all can use."
There, right there. That was where I finally accepted that maybe I'd fucked up just a little. Kinda. Just a smidgeon. "After that business with the Shroud she was going to leave him, she would have seen that Kane don't pay his debts and he don't love nothing 'cept power." Yeah, sounds just like something I fucking said when I was having those nightmares. My stomach started turning when I thought about how much Marie loved that asshole. Or maybe it was morning sickness. "So my daughter," Erzulie was still talking, "she could very well be the best way to figure out what that man is up to since I hear he's still out there. I want her back cuz I love her," and those big doe eyes were probably playing me with that forlorn mother act but godsdammit it worked. "But still, I won't lie, her knowledge is more important than that right now. All them big 'heebeejeebees' be talking about some kinda darkness coming, some say they see Kane's face in all that."
I remembered my own visions of the darkness, spreading over the globe, and something I read in the paper, and something Ogma said and for the briefest second I had the feeling that everything was connected... Then Erzulie spoke again and it was gone.
"I will tell you what I know in the process of bringing my daughter back." I think I started gaping. "But I warn you what's to come is much more difficult than what you've done up 'til now." Great. Of course it's going to be harder. Why would it possibly get easier? "In return for this I will have her give up her knowledge to you as I know you bear Kane no goodwill. I will also cease my deal with your Furies and have them remove what they've done to you. Are these terms acceptable, child?"
I don't hear the way he does, but I swear I heard the look on Gunnar's face change. He still didn't say anything, but he was probably just as surprised as I was that she was so... calm.
“Respectfully, Erzulie…" And I did want her to know I meant it respectfully. I had done so well so far, I really didn't wanna fuck it up now. "If you had told me in the beginning what you just told me now, this would have been over with a lot sooner. I’ve been mistakenly ranking things as higher priority than this because I thought this was just to save my own ass." And I still wasn't even doing this now to save my own ass, it was so that my kids could have a clean slate. "But if this has to do with stopping Kane and the spreading darkness, I’m in. More in than I would have been before, I mean. And for what it’s worth,” I glanced at Gunnar, setting the water down on the counter and folding my arms over my stomach. “I get it now. I really get it, and I’m so, so very sorry that I took your child from you." That's the only part I'm sorry for. I still think I made the best call I could with the information I had, but I'm allowed to be sorry for good calls. "I’ll do all that is in my power to make it right, for you and in the interest of fucking up all of Kane’s plans." Okay, so I swore once. But not at her. All that talking and I only swore once. "I’ve seen that darkness spreading, not with his face but… he wants the world, I know that much. I also know I’m not going to let him have it. I find your terms agreeable.”
Erzulie made a bit of a face at me. "Hopefully you understand that I needed to make sure I could trust that you would do the right thing. Trust is to be earned for those that shoot first and ask questions later." For the record, the first time I waited to shoot second, I got to watch two dozen people die and I probably should have burned to death. "And... when I saw that you had reordered your priorities, it is only then that I enlisted assistance in... convincing you."
And I wanted to call bullshit right there. She'd told me when we spoke for the very first time that she would be sending people after me to make sure I knew she meant business. I guess now she was telling me that both she and her daughter were in the habit of lying. And then she started waving a spoon around like a baton. "There are two steps that must be done first. You must recover my daughter's body." Fuck. "Which I'm fairly certain is now in the grasps of Hel within her bloody hall." Fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck. I was really hoping we weren't going to have to go to Helheim. Why are all the death goddesses so crazy? Am I going to be crazy if I become a death goddess too? Also, if the Edda got it right then the way into Helheim is guarded by Nidhogg, this monster that gnaws the souls free from the bodies of the newly deceased. I don't think he'll care if we're still moving.
"You must then proceed to the final part, and most important, her memory. I do not know exactly where you might find this, but I am certain of one thing. Memory is much like water, it is always attempting to return from where it comes. Trace back memory to its source and I have a feeling you will find what we need." She winked and did some weird balancing trick with my wooden spoon and her teacup. Also, why not just tell me what the source of memory is? Or tell me if she's talking about the term in the abstract concept or the word itself and therefore about etymology or - seriously, why not just stop being so fucking vague? If she could just tell me, 'go here, fight this, find this, then go there and collect this and fight that and avoid this person,' she would get her daughter back so much faster.
"When you have those things, pray to me and I shall send what help I can. Know too that that help will be limited as I have no doubt you are now aware what we face in our enemy of the Drowned Road." Yeah, godsdammit. I knew. "Should Kane appear though, let me know and together we will end him!" Then she turned the spoon into a catapult for no fucking reason. It was neat, just pointless. Then she started to fade, but of course kept talking.
"You have an ally in the Loa now, children. Do not abuse that and we'll do our best not to abuse you. Look for the Furies to come soon, Laurel."
Fuck. I bet they won't knock either.

I guess he was waiting to be sure she was gone, but after a moment Gunnar turned to me and said, "Yeah, so when did she get so nice? I mean, I don't mean to badmouth a self-proclaimed ally, but she seems a little bipolar." And this was one of those moments where I just had to grin because of his knack for saying the exact fucking thing I've been thinking. I mean, I tried defending her point of view. I pointed out that I killed her kid, took my time doing anything about getting her back - in my defense, bitch gave me a year. If you want it done sooner, give me better information or a closer deadline - and now that I'm showing her rather than telling her that I'm making good, maybe that's why she's playing nice.
Probably not. It's probably something more like, bitch is on a power trip and is used to getting what she wants with scare tactics. I'm just really fucking stubborn, and the more people try to scare me the less I feel like doing what they want me to. Either way, now that we're playing the way she wants us to she's willing to smile and pretend like she's saying please.
That seemed to be how Gunnar saw it too, cuz he said "I just don't like people having furies carve 'murderer' in my wife's forehead on her wedding day and then show up a little while later like we're all long-time pals." It was sweet of him, in a Gunnar sort of way.
Anyway, it seems like the torture part of this is over, and now the hard part begins. Maybe she'll play nice like she said.
Or maybe she's just sending us to our deaths. It's a toss up. If I thought I'd survive it I'd probably just tell her to go sit and spin, but I guess surviving means being the bigger person.
Or something.

"My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do

My nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you,
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

...Maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you're leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I'm dreaming
I am a lot better now than just "okay"
Maybe I am just wakin' up in my own way
Now that it's over

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do

Nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it's over..."
Everclear, Now That It's Over

Monday, July 11, 2011

There Are Two of Us, There Will Be More

August 5th, 2011

"
There are two of us there will be many more,
They'll show up, yeah they'll show up

And so they sunk every ship we sailed

But we stood up, we stood up

And they fought hard, but somewhere fighting failed

They're all shook up, they're all shook up

All shook up

Steel and concrete break

Beneath the steady waves

Of fearless hope and grace

In kindness there is strength.

Cos' we are not frightened anymore,

We stood up, we stood up

And there are two of us there will be many more,

They'll show up, yeah they'll show up..."

A Fine Frenzy, Stood Up


So. This is the beginning, it seems.
It's just Gunnar and I, for now, for sure. But we're pretty confident that Nate and Hercules both are going to join when the time comes. I trust Nate, and I trust Hercules. Those are both good calls, I was just wondering how he was going to decide who else to approach in the future.

We've kinda talked about it a little bit already, back in Berkeley. Feels like forever ago. It was a conversation that started on the ride back from Chicago, but neither of us wanted to really talk about it in public. And by public I mean in front of Jack and Sly. Mostly Sly.

So when we got home, and got the kids settled down and found some time to talk privately back in May I asked if he had a plan for the pantheon thing. Then a better question came to mind and I grinned and asked that one instead.
"Do you plan things?" He doesn't, not really, but that's kinda one of the things I like about him. That and his Cubs fandom, but I'm getting away from the point.
He answered, "Yes. No? Sort of. I mean, mostly no. It's really politics that make me want to do this. And I mean that very literally. I hate politics, and most of all I hate that politics get in the way of getting stuff done that needs to be done. If the Titans are really such a big threat, then the gods shouldn't be quarreling amongst each other, shouldn't be pursuing personal agendas, and certainly shouldn't be double-crossing each other. There's bigger shit at stake.
I don't want to be tied to the political nonsense anywhere up there. I think I'd prefer the Aesir's nonsense to most of the others, but there's still a level on which it's nonsense. Anyone who can dedicate themselves to the important shit first, and all the unimportant shit afterward is welcome to stand with me." At this point we hadn't really figured out what constitutes the "important shit." We still haven't completely got it nailed down, but I figure no matter how much we think we've got it figured out we'll still be figuring it out as we go.
After a pause he went on. It's not exactly unusual for him to talk, but it doesn't happen often that he has so much to say so I tried really hard not to interrupt him. "I know this will piss some people off too. My dad will probably hate the idea, and Odin might not like me much either. But they're both level-headed people, and I don't think either of them will consider my reasons bad. I mean, if this could be accomplished without making a pantheon unto itself, I'd go about it that way. But I know it can't. Old world names and organizations bring about old world rivalries and alliances. This would basically be my line in the sand. I wouldn't distrust those who didn't cross it, but I would like to know who all I can trust without a doubt, and forming a pantheon unto itself is a sure-fire way to see who is and is not willing to stand not with the armies of the Tuatha, the Aesir, the Dodekatheon, or the Amatsukami, but with humanity, and against the Titans." He paused again, thinking. "As for logistics, I havn't a fucking clue. I mean, can you just find a bit of unoccupied over-world somewhere, build some houses and call yourself a pantheon? Do you have to negotiate with fate itself? Do you have to fill out all the major purviews with avatars?" He shrugged, which he does a lot. I think almost in place of punctuation. "But whatever you have to do, I'm gunna do it, and I'd love to have you there with me."
I told him then that there wasn't a whole lot that would keep me away from him. Forget that "until death" noise, he's gonna be stuck with me until the end of existence itself. But back before the wedding I was a little worried about how things were going to work with us. I can't say for sure what kind of god I'm going to be, assuming as I usually do that I'll live that long. I mean, there are some myths where the people call gods husband and wife but they almost never see each other. Tied together, but forever kept apart, like the Sun and Moon in some Indian stories. That part wasn't important though. I mean, I know we'll figure out a way to make it work. The important part was when I asked him where on the list of "important shit" our marriage was going to fall. Yeah, it was kind of a test. A test he passed. Basically I wanted to know he was going to take us seriously, but not so seriously that he was going to be stupid enough to let other stuff go by the wayside.
After babbling like I usually do, I finally got around to the question. "I'm pretty sure I know my own answer to the question I'm about to ask, but I'm interested in hearing yours, too. If some titanspawn, or higher up in the ranks some titan, gets smart and makes you choose between saving me or stopping the bad guy, which would you choose?" At that moment I was thinking, Me? I'd figure out a way to choose both. It was all I could do to keep from laughing in relief when he answered me.
"This is probably the most conceited thing I've said since I was seventeen, but both. I can't imagine that someone will actually put me in a situation where I have to either stop the bad guy or save you, if simply because I can't really imagine you needing saving. I mean, if someone held a gun to your head, I think I might laugh at them. I've seen you take a lot worse than bullets and shrug them off. You're a strong woman, and I don't really think it's a problem that we would need to worry about." It's flattering, if not a little foolish, just how much faith he seems to place in me. I know there's plenty of things out there that could end me in a heartbeat (I met two of them in Guinnee), if they were so inclined.
His smile faded a bit. "But in the interest of answering the question at hand... I'd stop the bad guy. But you probably already knew that."
I did already know that. I was counting on that, but it was the one thing I absolutely had to make sure of, the one thing I had to hear him say before I married the guy. Everything else we can work out later, but if he'd answered differently I would have called everything off and we'd have been... I don't know what. Not married, for sure. Fortunately for the fate of the universe and the future of our new pantheon, he's got his priorities straight.

The other part of the conversation, which I guess isn't really over and probably won't be until our pantheon is over, happened on the way back home from New Orleans.
I guess after having that Nommo eye in his mouth for so long he wanted to make up for lost time, because he was a lot more... loquacious this time around. At one point conversation devolved into several games of "I Spy," which I didn't really think was fair because I always lose (apparently, the rules have changed and now things he can smell and taste, which is like, everything, are fair game). Seriously. It was like, "I spy with my little eye... something about two towns over." It's seriously impressive, but not fair for car games.
Anyway, getting tired of playing "I Spy, I Smell, I Taste" with Gunnar, I decided this was as good a time as any to ask some more questions about the plans for the new pantheon. There were a couple of things I kinda felt like he should think about, if he hadn't already. And I say that he should think about because it kinda feels right now like this is his gig, I'm just along for the ride. But he probably should think about how he's going to pick who else to recruit. So I asked him, "I absolutely trust Nate and Hercules, but beyond that, how are you deciding who to recruit? Is it anyone who's willing, is there some sort of qualification process?" No, I wasn't thinking like having some sort of questionnaire. I don't even know what kinds of questions we'd ask. Are you now or have you ever been a Titan sympathizer? Are you willing to be eviscerated for glory? Ragnarok, for or against?
His answer was pretty good, though."Well naturally I don't intend to just recruit anyone who's willing, but at the same time I don't intend to kick people out just for not being too powerful either. I mean, a god's a god right? And so long as we can confirm in some satisfactory way that they're on the level and on board with our values, I think they should totally be allowed to join up." Yeah, we should get around to figuring out exactly what our values are and which ones we're willing to compromise and which are non-negotiable and which ones we'll kill for.
"With one exception," he continued. "We can't just have five sun gods or something. It would get really problematic. I haven't thought of exactly how to handle that yet."
I thought for a second before I answered him. "No, I definitely think we should be more interested in... trustworthiness? I guess that's the word I want. I would want trust over power when we're sizing people up. If I'm worried someone is going to betray us to the titans, or abandon us when we need them most, it won't matter to me how powerful they are, I won't want them around. I won't let them in on my plans and I'll waste time and effort watching my back when I could be dealing with more important shit." That's why I could never hang out with Sly.
"The five sun god thing, I mean, in the incredible event something like that happens, I guess some can be backup? The Greeks," I purposefully constructed it as a they statement instead of a we statement, "have both Helios and my dad, but Apollo is the sun god. It wouldn't be terrible to have some overlap. I mean, if the Tuatha had only had one death god, Camila really might have screwed that pooch. But we can probably sort out who gets to be what based on power, dedication and... witty banter? I dunno. We'll figure it out." And that much I'm sure of. It might take us a while to come up with an answer, but we'll have one by the time we need it and we'll do our best to make sure it's a logically and ethically sound one.
Then, mostly because I was struck by the ridiculous image of Gunnar with an eye-patch, I had to ask, "So, are you planning on being like the All-Father?" Here I was trying to figure out exactly what was in his head as far as the power structure was concerned. I had asked something similar before, and I wanted to know if it was a Gunnar thing, or a Gunnar and I thing. "Is this going to be a dictatorship, a democracy, a triumvirate? How are we going to make our decisions and is there someone who will get the final say?"
I wonder if he got the same mental picture I did.
"As regards being the all-father. HAH! No. But a democracy runs the risk of infiltration, manipulation, and corruption." Those of course were good points, points I'd considered as well. Even if the 'government' were Gunnar, Nate and I, dissenting opinions might slow things down. "I mean, obviously more dictatorial governance runs that risk too--but if we keep it to the two of us I think we can be sure to keep each other in check. Or, you know, we could set up some ridiculously complicated system where a set of judges will elect leaders who aren't actually demanded in popular election. ... did I just make a decade-old George W. Bush joke?
I'm just afraid of failing to see bad shit coming--laugh if you like at that--and getting screwed if we set up a system that allows power to shift away from us. I mean, I certainly don't expect to micro-manage shit, but I think we should reserve some veto power just in case."
Then he shrugged again, a very Gunnaresque motion. "I mean, if you've got any good ideas on the details I'm happy to hear them."
I couldn't help but chuckle at the terrible and terribly old joke, but more entertaining was the mental image of us being one another's system of checks and balances. It probably wouldn't be as funny when it actually started happening. "Yeah, I think we could keep each other in check. In all honesty, I'm not sure how readily I'd let anyone else keep me in check, if circumstances were dire and I got... stubborn." I can think of a couple of occasions where I've had the same conversation with Nevermore, Nate and Gunnar, and they all said the same thing, and only Gunnar was able to persuade me. "And it might be better if it's us making some of the calls, I'm not sure anyone else would be as... dedicated as we are. I mean, we put someone like Brendan in charge of a rescue mission, he'll probably leave them behind to go get cut in half. But I don't want all the control, either." I also don't want to be the type of people who do want all the control. Some of it, though, I think we can handle. "Maybe we can find some system that's a happy medium. We get input from everyone but the final say is ours? Though, if we're ultimately making the calls then we're ultimately taking responsibility if shit goes really wrong." I was okay with that last bit, for my own part. That's something I picked up from my mom, something that was reinforced in the army, a feeling that's only gotten stronger since January. You take the power, you shoulder the burden.
So then I had to come back around to how we were going to handle politics. I think I'm getting a slightly better feel for politics, I feel like maybe if I understand the game I'll know how not to play it. "Are we going to make alliances and, consequently, enemies with other pantheons, or do we want to try to maintain neutrality?"
"I intend to completely ignore politics between other pantheons. If they don't want to help us, fine, and if they're going to try to force us to forgo our priorities on their behalf, I'd tell them where they can shove it."
I had to grin at that. "What's our tolerance policy for titans? Um, and I dunno how you feel about it, but I'd recommend a no bullshit policy between our members. No lying, no secrets, no manipulation." That's one of the few things I've really gotten set in my mind. I really want to be able to trust the people we're supposed to be spending eternity with. Not near as far as I trust Gunnar, I'm not hoping for that much. It wouldn't be realistic, really. But with all the shit we can do, all the tricks I know I can pull on other people... I want to be confident that my allies aren't pulling those tricks on me.
My question was semi-eloquent. His response, not so much. That's why I love this man. "Fuck titans, and fuck bullshit. Lying and manipulation is something that I agree we would not be able to tolerate."

And that's what we've got so far. Maybe we'll be calling the shots, no bullshit, fuck titans, and if you're on board with our values - which are not currently clearly defined but we'll work that out - then you're probably welcome to join.
It's just us right now for sure, but I'm sure there will be others. Hell, we've already pretty much got Nate and Herc.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Ocean Breathes Salty

"Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in
In my head, in my heart, in my soul
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get...
...The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so...
...Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
When the earth folded in on itself..."
Modest Mouse, Ocean Breathes Salty


I breathed saltwater for a couple of days. Dove to the bottom of the ocean with just a wetsuit, my husband and a give'em hell attitude. Got my ass handed to me by a squid. I am done, for now, with Guinnee.
Conclusions? Fuck titanspawn. Fuck giant sea serpents, fuck normal sized sea serpents and fuck squid who steer indestructible ghost ships.

Anyway, the Baron was, for the most part, still a righteous dude. And we got to see Brigitte again, which was actually really nice. She looked... um, emaciated, but happy, and she gave me a big hug and told me to say hi to Horace and come back whenever we wanted. I probably will do just that when I'm a little more capable and a lot less pregnant. I want to settle some scores and see if the Drowned Road can bleed. Back to the point, though.
After the attack, I realized it was getting a lot harder to see. We were getting deep enough under the surface of the ocean that the light from the sun couldn't penetrate the water. It was kind of incredible, actually. How many other people get to see this kind of shit, and can tell you what the water feels like on their skin? Most people need a television screen, or the lens of some super camera to see shit like this. Incredible... and incredibly inconvenient. I asked Gunnar for the mirror thing he carried, so I could have some sort of light.
"What, you can't see in the dark?" He quipped.
"What, you can't breathe underwater?" I riposted playfully.
"Shut up," he pouted after a beat and handed the mirror over.

After I got the mirror lit up I talked to Agwe, who made it clear he knew exactly who I was and exactly what I was doing. I told him I'm getting used to people knowing those things, and Gunnar said it was getting obnoxious.
"I shot her-" I admitted to Agwe what I'd done to Marie, without really any coaxing.
"In the face-" Gunnar supplemented, um... helpfully. Yeah. I'll go with that.
"Really hard," I finished. I'm not tiptoeing around the fact that I killed a scion, that's why I wasn't really bothered by what Erzulie's goon did to my forehead. It's inconvenient as fuck, but I'm dealing. If I'd been asked, I'd tell the story of what I'd done and why I'd done it and I still think it was a good call based on the information I had at the time. Maybe if the gods wanted me to make a different call, they should give me better information next time they're going to have someone pointing a gun at one of my friends. Or having my friends pointing their own gun at... Whatever.
But yeah, Agwe pretty much told us to get the hell off his boat, even though as we found out shortly after he was headed exactly where we were. Still, he'd let us on the boat in the first place instead of making us swim, and he even gave us a ride back. For that, he's okay in my book.
When I was doing my research, and by that I mean when I was bugging Luc, Luc had told me that Agwe was Erzulie's third husband and I was like, "Well, shit Luc. That may be a bad thing for me. I'm doing this anyway because how can it be any worse than what will happen if I don't?"
Anyway. We got off the boat at the stop next to the biggest crab, fuck, the biggest anything I've ever seen, and started following some light. Well, Gunnar was following some light I could barely see and I was kinda following Gunnar. I did a lot of that on this trip, and I lived to tell the tale.
Kidding aside, letting him lead was really both smart and safe. He sees a lot better than I do and is a lot sneakier than I can be... well, I've gotten better at that but in the beginning I was so conspicuous. Plus, I can toughen him up a little. Well, a lot, now. So he gets to lead because he can see the hits coming and he can take them when they land. If I'd come here by myself I probably wouldn't have survived.
I give him a lot of crap for being reckless but I know he can handle himself. He survived upwards of two decades before knowing me, and more than that I trust him not to just get himself killed for no good reason. More than anything or anyone else in the world, I trust him. Just, so many of his stories end with, "So then I woke up in the hospital..."
But yeah. We headed down into a village, and Gunnar said he saw a big house in the distance. Made of tombstones. If I have my own underworld, and I have a house in my underworld, I'm so not making it out of tombstones, for the record. That bitch is going to be marble, or something wicked like the mansion from the X-Men. Or maybe some shifting amalgamation of light and awesome, if I get to build with abstracts. That'd be fucking cool.
We swam up, knocked, got no answer. So we started to swim over to where Agwe had brought his ship down - prompting us to wonder why he kicked us off when he did, but again, I'm just glad we got a ride at all - when we were interrupted by Brigitte. I'd say she looked well, but she didn't. At least she looked happy. She said she'd gotten to go up to the surface a few times since becoming a ghede for her dad, and she gets to be both useful and happy while dead, which I think is a pretty bitchin' set of occurrences. So she takes us to where the Baron is welcoming the new arrivals, and he told the ghosts he'd be back (I'm not sure if they remembered long enough to care) and came to talk to us. He was really happy for us when Gunnar told him we got hitched. I apologized for not inviting him, but it was probably for the best. I'd asked Gunnar about inviting the Baron, but we both decided that we'd rather not have him possessing anyone and grinding against our wedding guests. I'd mentioned, or maybe Gunnar mentioned, I can't remember, that Dionysus was there. The two apparently "go way back." I'm not sure whether curious laughter or suspicious terror is the more appropriate reaction there.
After all that catch up, we showed the Baron our letter from Hades, and I asked how Sara would do here in Guinnee. It sounded from the Baron's answer that she'd be safer and happier here than she probably would in Hades' realm and that was good enough for me, and it seemed satisfactory for Gunnar. So the Baron tells us to go talk to this chick who deals with the forgetful fish. She was a goddess named Anaisa Pye. She was very attractive, as many goddesses tend to be, and she was topless, which I'm hoping is not some sort of requirement I don't know about. I kinda like clothes.
She was in the middle of... I think maybe talking to the fish? Or something, for us, when Gunnar and she both started looking nervous and then this big fucking serpent thing started circling Guinnee. It all happened kinda fast and I might be getting some of the sequence wrong. But somewhere in there the Baron started yelling for us to protect the spirits. I stayed near them, at first, Gunnar of course swam off towards the giant serpent creature. I tried telling the ghosts to head to safety, and of course they weren't listening. So I followed Gunnar.
The serpent thing was bashing into some shield around Guinnee, and Gunnar and I both got a couple of chances to try to hit it. It didn't do shit, for the record. Nothing down here bleeds. Well, except for that Siren. And Gunnar. He didn't bleed much though, and for the record, I doubt anyone else on the team could have taken the hits he did and handled it as well. But it wasn't the snake thing that injured him, it was this big boat that started stealing souls. Well, not the boat itself. There was a giant squid piloting the boat and the boat turned out to be the Henrietta Marie. Or maybe the ghost of it, if boats have ghosts. This one had plenty, because it was fucking stealing them from the houses of this village, but we aren't to that part of the story yet.
We couldn't hurt it, the serpent thing. And when the Baron started fighting the serpent, Gunnar and I decided to head for the boat instead. We couldn't hurt that either.
We sure as hell tried, though. I was hitting that thing with everything I had, trying to tear a hole in it and maybe get some of those souls back that it had just fucking dredged from the village. After getting some good hits in, and getting hit really fucking hard by the squid captain, the planks just melded back together. And when I say we got hit really hard, I mean I got hit hard enough to hurt and bruise me all over, which doesn't happen often. I got tentacle slapped, and lived to shudder about it. At least I only got hit once. Gunnar took three hits, and not gentle ones, and amazingly he just kept on tearing shit up.
After I got hit the first time, and thought maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be a good idea for me to get hit like that again, I went to the underside of the boat. This was when the planks started mending themselves, the ship was sailing upward, and I said "Fuck it." We'd lost, and not gracefully. Gunnar must have witnessed the same thing, because he was next to me shortly after that, asking me kinda casually if I'd been screaming.
"Uh, no..." I probably looked more than a little confused. That was kind of a weird question for a guy with such crazy good hearing and who's commented more than once on how tough I am. Well, once was to Never but the bird's got a big mouth.
"Good," he said. Then he said something about divorce, and when we've got time I'm gonna have to ask what the hell that was about. It was going to have to wait, though. I wanted to go check on the Baron.

The Baron was a mess. There was something wrong with him, something I'd never seen before. I asked him if he was okay, and then he looked like a lot less of a mess, but something was still wrong. Something still is wrong. I asked him about it, and he said that the serpent thing, Simbi Makaya, bound him to Guinnee. I would say that fucking sucks, but I'm betting a clever god won't really let that get too much in the way. I know I wouldn't, and I'm not even a god. Yet.
Then the Baron thanked us for our help and handed me a receipt, made of flesh. Human flesh. Whatever, I told myself. I'm a doctor. I handle skin all the time. Just not when it's fucking stationery. I did squirm a little on the inside, kinda like a little girl looking at a cockroach.
Despite the fact that we were pretty much useless against Simbi Makaya and the giant demon squid - and the ghost boat it rode in on - the Baron told us to just take Marie and go. We were good. I had a question for him, though.
"Baron, how do I bring Marie back?" I remember asking Agwe earlier whether just getting her soul would be enough for Erzulie. And yeah, it wasn't. But that comes later.
The Baron made this face, and basically said there was no way he would do that for me. I cleared up the misconception. "I'm not asking you to do it for me, I'm asking how I do it," I clarified. I don't ask gods for favors, it's kind of a rule of mine. I'm totally okay with earning them, though. He still didn't look like he wanted to tell me.
"Baron, I'm asking for my kids." Yep, I played that card and I'm okay with that, too. "This debt?" I pointed to my forehead. "I want this shit gone." But I'll be doing it on my own, I guess. The Baron said he didn't know how I could do it, because I don't have the power. I shot my mouth off, of course. I told him that yeah, he doesn't know what I can do, but he'll see. I'm looking forward to being a god and seeing jaws drop at the things I dream up. Anyway, that's still a ways off and in the here that is right now, I can't really say I have a clue what the fuck I'm doing.
So after that it was a matter of waiting until Agwe's ship had those giant shark holes in it repaired. In the meantime Gunnar went and talked to Anaisa for the Baron, who was pissed that she didn't help against Simbi Makaya or the big boat. He was also mad at Agwe, but I am not sure what about. I was gonna talk to Whatsherboobs about getting Marie's memory back, but I couldn't find her, and didn't wanna bug Gunnar about it and mostly was just really fucking ready to go home and not be in Bikini Bottoms anymore.

It was just our luck that there were some people in the cemetery when we showed back up out of Guinnee. I fell to my knees and spent the next minute or so clearing my lungs of salt water so I could breathe air again. I'm sure that didn't look strange at all, two very wet people just popping out of thin air - sort of like falling up - both of us holding huge fucking axes. And Gunnar was a Nommo, at first, but he spit out the eye first chance he could. I'll be surprised if it's not up on Youtube somewhere.
I heard Gunnar just say, "What?" as he headed towards the car. I finished uh... readjusting to the air (sounds a lot better than hacking up a lung, which is probably more like what that looked like), shook some of the salt out of my hair and followed Gunnar.
I was hungry.