Saturday, July 16, 2011

Momma Sed

"Wake up, son of mine
Momma got somethin' to tell you:
Changes come.
Life will have its way with your pride, son
Take it like a man.

Hang on, son of mine
A storm is blowing up your horizon
Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Listen up, son of mine
Momma got somethin' to tell you
All about growin' pains.
Life will pound away where the light don't shine, son
Take it like a man.

Suck it up, son of mine
Thunder blowing up your horizon.
Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain,
This too shall pass.
Like a kidney stone,
This too shall pass.
It's just a broken heart, son,
This pain will pass away."
Puscifer, Momma Sed

Yeah, that pretty much says it. If I could predict that I'd be around when it mattered, that'd be the advice I give my sons. Suck it up, boys. Mom loves you, and that's not gonna change the fact that sometimes life sucks.
But I won't likely be around so I'm writing it down because it's gotta go somewhere.
I won't be able to protect my sons from all the evils of the world. I won't be there to use that line from Batman about falling and getting back up when something upsets their little apple carts. Instead, the best idea that we've had so far is to put the boys in foster care once they're born.

And it feels wrong.
I've made it my life's work to protect children, cure them of disease and pain and make them feel safe.
I filled my house with kids to give them shelter and stability. None of them except Susan were even my blood, and she is just my half sister, family I didn't know I had until a few months ago. I've taken in complete strangers to protect them. I adopted Gair to get him away from the system that was abusing him, and now I'm considering turning around and giving that same system my own kids to fuck over.
Well, that's not true.
I'm not considering it.
I'm considering a lot of other things, but not that. It makes me feel sick to think about it, and I don't really care what my dad says about making them strong. They don't need to get strong that way. Yeah my mom did fine without Dad around but at least I got to grow up with one of my parents around. It feels like handing them over to the state is like throwing them to the wolves. I mean, yeah, Remus and Romulus did okay being raised by wolves but Apollo and Artemis did even better being raised by their mom. I know I won't be able to be there for broken hearts and skinned knees, baseball games (they're totally going to play baseball and play like badasses), or to embarrass them when they bring a date home for the first time. I wish I could. But I can try to make sure they'll be safe and they'll be cared for. I just don't know by whom.
Aside from Gunnar's mom, we don't really know anyone who isn't occupied full time trying to save the world. I thought briefly about maybe asking Nate and Alli to be godparents or something, but they're gonna have a kid of their own and don't need two more. And I don't wanna pawn the kids off on Grandma who has heart problems.
Though, to be fair, I could probably fix those heart problems, if I thought she wanted me to and I thought she would let me. Besides even that I know there's gonna be shit coming after those kids. I know it, and Gunnar knows it, and anyone who's going to take care of them has to know it too. Gunnar's mom is tough, for sure, but I don't want to expect her to have to fight. I'm not sure she could so much as fight a fairy, truth be told.

I might regret this. This might be the worst idea I've ever had, but it sounds so perfect and reasonable and... I don't know who I'm kidding, it's fucking insane.
I think I might ask Gunnar to go find Jack.

He retired, right?

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