Saturday, November 12, 2011

Most of the Time

Alright, so we flew into DC and met up with the others. Bast had something to say to Kass. Don't really know what that was about. I should probably talk to the Cat Lady sometime, and see what Bast thinks about my idea to take Azzeza to Du'at, being Azzeza's mother and all.

Speaking of, I brought that up to Gunnar on the plane ride over. Du'at, the whole, "I might not come back if I go do this" part of it, I mean. He, uh... well, he's a good guy. Kinda the best, actually. I didn't even have to give him the spiel. The spiel in question is the one where I pour my little heart out about just how much like a piece of shit I feel about having failed this kid since before I ever met her.

Seriously. She was fucking dead when I met her. They'd killed her the day before. And since then I've been just a step behind taking care of her. I've been letting my job with the Band interfere with my job as a mother - and let's face it, the Order bunch are all pretty much my kids, now. Even Susan. But anyway... First we dealt with taking Brigitte to New Orleans and then we went and fought Caleb and defended Mag Mell, then I took the time to run off and get married, then I had to go and get pregnant, which meant then I had to start dealing with putting Marie back in working order and somewhere in the midst of all of that this little ghost of a child has been patiently waiting for it to be convenient for me to remember that I made her a promise.

I have been neglecting this little dead girl, and I almost lost her soul to Erebus because of it. And most of the time, it didn't bother me. I had gotten to where I didn't even think about the sweet little brown-haired ghost that was supposed to have been haunting my house. I didn't think anything of it when she disappeared, when I should have run after her as soon as I heard she hadn't been around. But most of the time, she's at the back of my mind.

I don't think I can keep putting this off, anymore. The underworlds are in danger of closing, which means I may never get the chance to take her where she belongs, where she deserves to be. Plus, I don't even know what to do with all of the bits to Humpty Dumpty once I get them all together. Isis may know, except I'd have to go to Du'at to talk to her. But that's really secondary. I feel like the place is pulling at me, telling me I need to go because if I don't go soon I may lose the chance forever. I feel like it's something I'm supposed to do, like maybe that's the whole reason she had to die in the first place because maybe there's something there I'm supposed to see.

Dammit. This faith shit is difficult. You have to be a little crazy to be someone who believes that everything happens for a reason. I guess I qualify. But then you start to go a little crazier trying to find the reasons behind everything. Why that bird sang. Why that flower bloomed when it did. Why that crazy bitch turned Nate's own gun on him, and why everyone was surprised when I took the shot. There's a reason I killed her. It's what I was supposed to do, and it's not just because I'm still a little bit messed up. I can't help but feel there is something I'm supposed to learn from all of this resurrection bullshit. Something I wouldn't have learned any other way. Something I have to work for, some lesson I have to earn. Something I have to go get lost in the desert to find.

I told Gunnar we could talk more about it later. Basically I just said that when I go, Amanda has warned me I may never come back.
I don't buy it, just for the record.
If there's a way out, any way out, any way I can get back to my husband and my babies and my friends, I will find it. Come Hel or the Drowned Road.

I guess I just didn't want to surprise Gunnar with the "oh and by the way, there's the smallest possibility that this place will consume my soul and I may never come back," or worse, not tell him at all and have him hear it from someone else. Besides that we didn't talk a whole lot on the plane ride. I've been working on the blueprints for the temple to give to the kids in Germany and he's been working on learning just about every fucking language in the world. Seriously. I can't keep track of what he speaks anymore. It's all Sanskrit to me, anyway. I've told myself not to be surprised if, just for fun, he picks up Klingon.

Anyway, back to DC. Oh, apparently there are rules. For being a god. Or the kid of gods. Something like that. Twenty of them. Apparently only some of the gods really care about them enough to share. I think the rest of the gods are pirates, in the sort of "these are more like guidelines" type of sense. Some of them make sense, I guess. Some of them are just kinda "Well, no shit," type of statements.

Don't make things go extinct.
Don't be a dick (well, all creatures have the right to light and darkness. Same difference).
Don't bring anyone back from the dead (unless her mommy says it's okay).
Humans don't need to know how to control the weather. That kind of thing.
As far as rules go, they're alright. So, yeah, Kas, or Nate, one of them learned about that from another godkid.

And here's the short version of what else happened to the others while Gunnar and I were busy in the Garden:
They discovered "Canopus" was being used to try to create supersoldiers. It wasn't really Canopus. It was Donald Jackson, somehow converted into some weird snake thing.
They fixed this by setting part of the CIA on fire.
Harlan almost died. Again. Guy is about as resilient as a slightly aged grape. Well, that and supernatural venom is a bitch. I vaguely remember seeing Gunnar get poisoned by the thing when we fought the real deal. The one he and Jack threw off the roof.

So, yeah, we hurried a little to join up with them. After we got there though they were pretty much alright. Kass does a pretty good job of taking care of them all, and I usually feel like I'm leaving them in good hands when she's around, these days. Most of the time. I mean, she can't do everything I do, and she can't do it as easily, but she's good with basic first aid and "Here, let's cut open your femoral artery to bleed some of that poison out of you, and holy fuck, stop dying, Harlan" type treatments.

We hung around long enough for Dorthen to get there and hand off to him Marie's body. He is still really cantankerous. I guess only having one arm will do that to you. I thought about trying to sympathize with him, telling him about how I lost my arm, except there's the part where I just grew it back and I don't have to try all that hard to imagine the scowly face he'd make, staring at my obviously-not-lost appendage.

Oh, the body. Nate was kind enough to bring Marie's body back to the States, since Gunnar and I were headed not-to-the-States. Oh yeah, Tyr brought the body to us in the airport when Brendan, Gunnar and I were heading off to check on the kids in Australia. Can't remember if I mentioned that anywhere. I guess Hel heard my prayer before the gate closed. Or whatever happened. Tyr made it sound like she would really have liked to have delivered the body to me. Either way, I'm just grateful Hel was actually really helpful. I never know what to expect from the god-types.

Anyway, I don't remember how we decided to go about it, but somehow we decided that we were going after Carmen in California. I don't even remember how we knew she was in California. Something about a performance? I don't know. Either way, we headed for Victorville, which was kind of a massive tent city, and I think someone talked the police into helping us find her. Kas and I pretended to be French movie stars for some reason. Then Gunnar and I fought crime, and I keep doing everything but keeping my promises, and what bothers me the most is that it hadn't even bothered me, most of the time.

"Most of the time
I’m clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path, I can read the signs
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever I stumble upon
I don’t even notice she’s gone
Most of the time

Most of the time
It’s well understood
Most of the time
I wouldn’t change it if I could
I can make it all match up, I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive, I can endure
And I don’t even think about her
Most of the time

Most of the time
My head is on straight
Most of the time
I’m strong enough not to hate
I don’t build up illusion ’til it makes me sick
I ain’t afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don’t even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time

Most of the time
She ain’t even in my mind
I wouldn’t know her if I saw her
She’s that far behind
Most of the time
I can’t even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was with her

Most of the time
I’m halfway content
Most of the time
I know exactly where it went
I don’t cheat on myself, I don’t run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don’t compromise and I don’t pretend
I don’t even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time..."
Bob Dylan, Most of the Time

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