Sunday, August 14, 2011

Shit Is Fucked Up

"Now I don’t know, and it’s hard to explain
But it seems like things are just kind of insane
Because the world is crying
But nobody’s listening
So please leave a message on my cell phone

I see bullets getting better
Biblical weather
And that guy on TV is like a total asshole

Who are you wearing tonight?
Celebrity fundraiser, tight!
Black ties making wrongs right
How’s your social Band-Aid?

I don’t know much
I don’t know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up!

I guess it’s all about the dream
The ends justify the means
I'm telling you, shit is fucked up!
You know it’s all about the dream
The ends justify the means

Now thank god for the media, for saving the day
Putting it all into perspective in a responsible way
With more celebrity news
Typical bullshit views
I think we’re losing this fight
Sponsored by Bud Light

And now we’re rockin’ the casbah
And taking the flak
The genie’s out of the bottle, and we can’t put it back
All this stuff
It’s overwhelming my brain
Can you see the storm comin’?
It’s coming this way

I don’t know much
I don’t know too much
But I know this
Shit is fucked up!"
The Offspring, Stuff Is Messed Up

So here's the past few hours of my day:
Harlan and Gunnar come back through the gate. My husband drops to his knees and utters a prayer to Odin that the king of the frost giants has his dad. Fuck.

We get the hell out of the mountains (after I tell him he's awesome, cuz after a trip like that I figured he might have needed it), for some reason the park ranger is coming with us, we're an hour down the road and Gunnar's phone rings.
He says hi to Brendan and then I don't even know how to describe the way he stopped the car on that icy fucking road, besides quickly. And scarily. I mean, he's the best driver I know, but for fuck's sake...
Anyway.
So he gets out of the car, drops to his knees again, and prays to Odin that LOKI IS IN MAG MELL. What the...

Boom.
Enter Odin.
Cue banter.
Exit Odin. With Gunnar.
What the fuck.

I get a text from Gunnar: "Loki isn't Loki, and we should talk about endorsement deals." Okay. I know I'm bad about the way I string sentences together, but those two phrases make no sense together.

At this point, I'm still doing alright. Odin just stole my husband and now Harlan and I are stuck with a Norwegian we can just barely talk to, and I'm confused which is irritating. I'm hungry, which is irritating, and I'm tired, which is also irritating. But I'm alright. I get back in the car, which is now Gunnar-less, and before I can even pull back on the road, I get a text from Ciara: "In case I die, here's what we asked the sphinx." Ixion is up to no good, on a massive scale (I paraphrased).
What the... Okay. Whatever.

And then my spider sense starts tingling. Ciara is about to get a knife in the gut and oh hey IXION IS IN MY FUCKING HOUSE.

I just got snippets through the brand after that, bits and pieces of Ixion being a motherfucker and Ciara being a badass. When it calmed down I called Kassandra, who said they were okay but my house was not.

So, after watching his little press release - with my house smoldering in the background, here are my conclusions:
I'm going to tear that motherfucker apart and beat him stupid with his own godsdamned appendages.
He burned my house down, after we poured all that fucking money into renovations. So now I'm severely lacking funds, without a house, and I have the clothes on my back and a pair of jeans. Fine. I sucked at living there anyway.
He tried killing one of my allies. I doubt Dorthen, the cantankerous bastard, would want me to waste any valuable ass-kicking time crying over it.
He threatened my life and called me names. Mean ones. Well, I'm rubber and he's glue. Seriously though, he can join the club on that one. Hell, he can start the fucking club for all I care. Be the president of the godsdamned thing. And frankly, I would love to see the army that's got the balls big enough and the brains small enough to think they can stop me.
But he threatened to fuck with my kids, and I don't mean the ones I'm pregnant with.
And that means WAR, motherfucker.

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