Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems

The dreams are getting a little worse now. I'm trying really hard not to let on how fucking scared I am, how glad I am that all of the feelings fade once I've been awake for a few minutes.
She loved him so... much.... it makes me sick to my stomach.The last dream... She was at Nate's house. Or... I was her, and I was at Nate's house. That's part of what makes me so sick, being her. She's - I'm - so goddamn dependent on this guy who just tells me I'm a useless bitch, like the abused women I've had to treat at the hospital.
They're always the ones who don't listen when you tell them to get out, take the kids and haul ass to the nearest shelter, run as fast and far as you can because that fucker's not going to change and then a week later you're too tired to even act surprised when the cops are asking you if you knew there was a history of abuse and yes, they would really appreciate your cooperation for the quintuple murder investigation.
It's really hard to feel sorry for someone so dependent on others to define her identity. Like, when she was alone and the lights were off did she even exist? And if she did, what was the fucking point?

Anyway.

She'd - I'd - seen Nate punch in his security code, like... using his eyes so it wasn't hard breaking in. I look at the pictures on the wall and think that he's kinda cute. Maybe if things don't work out with Kane (because they're obviously going so fucking splendidly) I'll give Nate a shot.
Yeah. If things don't work with the guy who sent me here to kill someone, I'll try dating the guy I was sent here to kill. Seriously? What the fuck, Marie.
I don't want to kill him, of course, because I'm just such a great fluffy pacifist but it's completely ok to break into his house and steal some hair from his hairbrush in his bathroom and sew it up into a voodoo doll. I lock up and go back to my room, and call the great and fabulous Kane.
He asks if I killed Pritchert. I have time to say no, but before I get any further, again, I'm a useless bitch and he doesn't know why he bothers and they're coming to get me and he hangs up. Yeah, you're fucking welcome, you shithead.
This part of the dream, where Marie is rationalizing everything, makes my stomach flipflop and squirm and try to crawl out of my throat. Well, the whole fucked up shebang does, but this part especially. Because the me that's Marie in the dream is sure that once I show him how useful I can be, surely he will fall head over heels for me. Or maybe Kane will get hurt tonight and he'll realize how much he needs me. And the me that is Laurel knows Kane's type, and that nothing will ever be good enough because he's really only in love with one thing: power. The me that's Laurel wants to hook this psychopath up in a long term and intense relationship with some serious therapy.
She - I... I was bluffing when I pulled out the doll and turned Nate's gun on his head. Marie didn't really want to kill anyone. Not very reassuring, actually. I never want to get shot, and yet that keeps happening. I didn't start the encounter wanting to kill her, either.
She bluffed, and I called. Back in the army, they taught us that you don't raise a weapon and point it at someone unless you absolutely mean to fire. Doesn't mean you have to want to. And now...
Fuck it. It sounds like I'm trying to rationalize it too, and I'm not. In the strictest, black and white terms, I shouldn't have killed her. But in the strictest black and white terms, nobody should kill anybody and nobody will come out of this war clean.
The more I learn about her, the less sorry I feel. I pity her, sure. She was callow and pliable - characteristics which identify her ultimately as a liability. If Kane weren't using her, it would be someone else and there are no guarantees that it wouldn't be one of the titanspawn.
I don't know if that's who Kane was working with, or for... that's not clear yet. But he wanted to bring down the Amatsukami, that's why Nate was targeted. Well, I guess since the fucker's still alive it's more accurate to say that Kane wants to bring down the Amatsukami. Nate is targeted.

Jack suggested maybe using a dreamcatcher, I don't know if that would work, or how, but... I guess it feels like cheating. Mary is determined to punish me for this and I'm scared that if I try to circumvent the consequences that she'll send something worse. She may anyway, if I drag my feet on repayment.

I need a serious drink.

"So I say 'Hello' to wasted hours
And I say 'Bottoms up' to better days"
Less Than Jake, Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems