Nervous in the Alley

"And when all is said and through
Would I know just what to do?
If I put myself to the test
Would I ever raise a fist?
Would I just shut my mouth?
Would I just block it out?
I've sworn it a million times
Never to be left again with feeling
Of hopelessness, left standing
Just nervous in the alley."
Less Than Jake, Nervous in the Alley

I watched today. It feels like watching is all I did. All I knew how to do.
I watched as the ranks of my infantry unit broke, and scattered, and bled, and fled.
I watched as a Nemean corpse exploded into a maggot spray. The death larvae wriggled into my ear, poisoned my mind and I did nothing but watch. I'm not ashamed to mention I freaked the hell out when I came to my senses and yes I quailed like a little girl.
I watched from gods know where in the back of my mind as the army usurped my body and started marching me towards the Strand.
I watched as the bridge we were supposed to be defending was lost in the ether.
I watched as Camila slew Manannan Mac Lir.

I'm still not sure if we can call today a victory. We held Mag Mell, but at what cost? Now Hachiman, the Morrigan and Hades are divvying up the land. Deals with devils, as far as I'm concerned. Sorry, Nate. Only not really.
Deals I never intend to make.
Today I watched two gods of death shake hands over the body of a fallen god.
I did nothing, because I could do nothing.
Nothing to do but clench my fists, gnash my teeth and swear to myself I'll be better than that.
I've told Gunnar before, a few times, that I hate the games I've seen the gods play. I refuse to play those games with him. He means too much to me for me to treat him like a domino or a plaything.
Today I decided that's no longer reserved just for him. What I witnessed absolutely sickened me.
I despise these fucking ploys, and the people who participate in these damnable schemes.

It's a lot to process, what happened today. We killed Caleb. We lost Manannan Mac Lir, who probably knew he was dying based on the fact that a god of Psychopomp asked me to deliver a letter. We practically handed Mag Mel over to the Morrigan and Hades, even if only temporarily. I feel like maybe there's a disconnect in my head, like maybe this is the part where I should be coming apart at the seams. This feels like the part where I should fall down screaming at the sky.
But I'm not, and I won't.
I'm angry - furious, even - about Gunnar's mom and disgusted by the gods and dismayed by Camila and worried about the kids and a little tired from getting my ass pretty much handed to me at the bridge. But, for whatever reason (and I've got a few theories, most of which credit Gunnar significantly for my increasing mental fortitude and ability in general to chill the fuck out and not be such a head case) I at least don't feel like I'm about to break down. Not this time. I'm sad and nervous and jittery and worried and a thousand other things, but I'm okay.
Mostly though, I'm hopeful. There's got to be some great design for all this bullshit, right? Fate has to have some purpose in seeing Manannan Mac Lir fall, in putting the kids in my care, in putting me and Gunnar together. What we set up in the pass makes me think he and I can accomplish some pretty incredible things.
That's another thing, Gunnar and I. Something else I need to think about.