Heartache Tonight

"Somebody's gonna hurt someone
Before the night is through..."
The Eagles, Heartache Tonight
Maybe I shouldn't have been so tough on Brendan. Maybe I was a little cruel, but what he said was... it was unnerving.
It was right after he pulled us out of that pit Caleb made. I was still clinging to Gunnar, had sand crap still in my eyes. As soon as I wiped it away and looked up, Brendan looked sad and said we were even.
I hadn't known we were keeping score.

He said something else too, I didn't catch all of it but I got the crux of it. Something about "mortal sins" and "self-abuse," and I feel a little stupid for ending up in my underwear outside Odette's and now all of the fights with Aisling and the blushing looks he'd given me make an uncomfortable, awkward type of sense.
I decided, before the Band parted ways, to have a quick word with him. Can't say who else heard, but I really wasn't concerned. It wouldn't have bothered me if the entire Band heard. I'm pretty sure Nate caught most of it, anyway.
I made it clear to Brendan that I do not, and never will, have feelings for him. Not beyond the realm of friendly camaraderie, the sort which comes from simply surviving our line of work together (unless you're Jack, but that's another story). What we've been through, what we'll go through draws us close but that is all I'll ever feel for him.
What I said was, of course, harsher than that. It had to be. The exact spiel was, "You will never mean to me what Gunnar does." I'm pretty sure he'd already figured that part out. That's probably what that look was about, but I wasn't taking the chance that he hadn't.
"You're a good friend and an irreplaceable ally." Brendan had to have known there was a 'but' coming. "But his arms are where I turn for comfort. His shoulders are where I've cried when I was sick and terrified." I've tried really hard to keep mine and Gunnar's relationship a private matter, just between Gunnar and I. I've been mostly successful, but maybe pouring just a little salt in this wound would help Brendan in the long run. "He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And you saved his life tonight. I was never keeping score, but... for that we will never be even. If I bring you back from the brink a hundred times, patch you up after a thousand battles, it will never be enough."
Maybe a hundred and one will do.

I meant to tell him thank you. I forgot to say that part explicitly. I hope it came through, my gratitude. Not just the fact that I'm heartless and cruel.

Brendan's still a friend, don't get me wrong. I just feel weird spending time with just him. Just in case there are any lingering feelings on his part.
And, even if he has completely moved on, maybe it's better that he believes I'm a narcissistic bitch than harbor any sort of false hope or ridiculous romantic ideas about who and what I am.

And right now, I am a person who is going to go with Nate to find out what the hell is going on with all of those sirens outside.