We're in the midst of the preparations for the funeral, and that part of me that had been missing came back to me today. I'm not sure what to call it, but it was gone.
It was gone, and when it came back it was like being able to breathe again after almost drowning (for eight days. Which sucked). Like I've finally stepped away from the edge of another nervous breakdown.
Everything came flooding back at once, all that drive and certainty and energy and... desire. Joie de vivre, or whatever. The stuff that makes it easier to smile, so that I don't need to hang on to something like a pseudo-proposal to keep me afloat.
It was like I'd been feeling everything through filters, and now all the layers of muffling had been stripped away. The New Orleans sun felt warmer for it.
I took a deep breath, turned my face to the sky, smiled a big smile at the sunlight and muttered, "Finally."
The rest of the gang was occupied, but Gunnar must have seen the shift in my expression. He loped over, asking if I felt better. I nodded, smiling almost wide enough for my face to ache. I wanted little more than to throw my arms around him and thank him, repeatedly, for just... being there. I probably would have, thirty minutes before. I settled for just the smile. It felt good to grin like that, without anything weighing on my mind.
"So, that thing we talked about the other night," Gunnar started. I kept the grin and added a wince, immediately remembering what an ass I must have made of myself.
The me that is well-adjusted, rational and has had a good night's sleep understands that when asked a question along the lines of "How long do people wait before they're not boyfriend/girlfriend anymore," the appropriate responses are not:
a) "What?"
b) "Well, we could get married tomorrow."
c) "Wait, what?"
d) "Say that again."
But the me that woke up shrieking and sobbing and sick, feeling like I'd just had my head blown off (again), said all of those.
I got it right this time, though. I told him I meant it when I said I'd marry him tomorrow, that I'm sure about him, but I wanted him to be sure about it too.
"I'm the type who believes in the whole 'til death' and 'forever' thing," I got serious for a minute and kept my voice down. "And forever, well... It's a long time for people like us. Especially when we both plan on moving up and playing with the big kids. This could easily be your last exit 'til Ragnarok," I smirked and he grinned back in that grin I love.
"Forever could be a really long time," he agreed.
So I guess this is like the pre-proposal, and we're waiting, for now.
Works for me.
"If your intentions are pure,
I'm seeking a friend
For the end
Of the world..."
Chris Cornell, Preaching the End of the World
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